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Out You Go! part 3

A selection of NUFC.com reader tales about 
being chucked out of toon matches....

Occasion: Home game early 1970's
Location:  St.James' Park
Guilty Party: AC 

"Sitting on the wall at the back of the Leazes End (you know, that little space that used to overlook the car park, head banging against the the roof) trying to see the game. 

"Along comes Plod 1 and instead of saying 'excuse me young man would you mind getting down from such a dangerous position' as all Policeman used to say in them days, the git grabbed me by the pants and dragged me of the wall, causing one to rap ones head on the wall.

"He casually walked on impervious to my comments, suggesting that he reminded me of a 'womans underparts'. Enter stage left Plod 2 unseen by yours truly, does not appreciate what is normally regarded as terrace humour and calls to Plod 1. 

"Plod 1 comes storming back, grabs moi by the scruff of the neck and decides I need an early bath (before the game had kicked-off). When he gets innocent bystander (Me) to the gate, he has a sly look round and proceeds to dish out the norm of the day i.e. a swift punch to the left cheek, and tells me never ('I will be watching out for you'), to darken those doors ever again. I was 14 at the time..."

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Occasion: West Ham (h) August 1992 
Location:  St.James' Park
Guilty Party: Jarrmag

"Julian Dicks of West Ham smacked Franz Carr in the face with his elbow. Luckily for Carr, the ref saw it and sent Dicks off. 

"Unluckily for me, the copper hiding behind me saw me (along with everyone else in the Leazes) giving Dicks the 'V' for Victory sign. He took a dim view of it and I spent the remainder of the match outside the ground somewhat bemused as to why my 'V' sign was offensive and everyone elses' wasn't." 


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Occasion: Barnsley (h) 1993
Location:  St.James' Park
Guilty Party:
SY 

"This is actually a story about a mate of mine. I had moved down south, but he was still living in the Toon. We had a theory that neither of us would ever having seen the Toon score over five in a game. Then we played Barnsley during the promotion season and knocked in six. I got the expected phone call at about 9:30pm.

"I was just about to congratulate him on breaking the jinx, when he told me that he'd only got three quarters of the way up the Gallowgate steps. Rather than use the luxurious facilities on offer at the time, he'd opted to relieve himself beside the stairs, and got collared and then ejected.

"The jinx only lasted a couple of months, as he managed to control his bladder for the first half of the Leicester match."

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Occasion:  Forest (h) 1980's 
Location:  St.James' Park
Guilty Party:  Philthy

"The incident took place in the Leazes End (if you can term seven or eight uncovered steps an "end") and involved a certain inebriated teenager hurling a half-eaten mince pie into the Forest fans. Hardly comparable to the Molotov Cocktail of Cockneys a few years earlier, but you wouldn't have thought it the way the Copper man-handled me out of the ground. 

"He was evidently more interested in watching the crowd rather than the game, although, to be fair to him, most of us who experienced the Charlton era can probably sympathise with that...."


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Occasion: Chelsea (a) Nov 1996 
Location:
Stamford Bridge
Guilty Party: Maccer

"I travelled down to Stamford bridge to watch the match, but after having several pints I was busting for a wazz. I asked this copper where the nearest toilet was, bearing in mind I was in the queue to get in the ground. He told me there was a pub about 2 miles away! I informed him I would never make that.

"At the time the ground was being redeveloped and there were several people having a slash in the building site at the ground. The copper (a Special constable I later found out) said to me  'go over there' pointing to the building site.

"After finishing, I turned round to be confronted by the same copper, who then arrested me for 'urinating in a public area'. After I informed him exactly what I felt, I was handcuffed, frog-marched to a van, taken escorted to Fulham nick and ended up missing the match altogether." 

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Occasion: Man City Nov 1994
Location:  Maine Road 
Guilty Party:  GB

"League Cup away game at Man City - Mike Jeffrey scored early on. I turned round to celebrate with my mate Alan, but he'd gone. I looked to the pitch just in time to see him getting dragged off after celebrating with Jeffrey.

"He got out in time to catch the mini bus home, but got a few slaps in the face from the cops and told not to do it again (obviously couldn't be bothered doing the paperwork). 'Mysteriously' 20 was missing from his wallet after getting it back from the police...."

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Occasion: Aston Villa (a) Nov 1995  
Location: Villa Park 
Guilty Party: MR


"A few lagers up the road at some dive and warming nicely to watch the toon. We were seated in the very front row so had a boot level view of the Toon attacking the Holt End. 

"Sir Les popped up to score following a route one ball early in the second half and ran directly towards the army to celebrate. All of a sudden I find myself hurdling two advertising hoardings (not as easy as you think) to join him, Clarkie, Barton, Lee etc with my hands firmly placed in Ferdinand's afro...tremendous !! 

"Make my way back to my seat, to be joined by the local Constabulary, arm up my back and carted off to the cells in the ground  - chocka with black and white shirts. Four hours later after a sing song in the local cells kicked out to fend for myself. 

"One thing led to another but back home, woke the next morning to phone calls from my mates in fits of laughter saying get out and buy a Sunday Mirror, and there I am main picture, back page with all the lads....proud day !!! ....until I got to work and found photo copies all over the office and got disciplined by the gaffer (must have been a mackem.)"

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Occasion: various home games
Location: St.James' Park
Guilty Party: JB

A tale of avoiding ejections - just.

"Being an exuberant youth at the time, I always looked forward, as many people did, to scaling the fence at the Gallowgate scoreboard (not an altogether easy task), to have a bit run around on the pitch after the last home game of the season.

"The first instance was when I succeeded in being the very first person to do so....as I dropped from the fence onto the cinder track, I spun around to race onto the hallowed turf only to be confronted by a HUGE copper, beckoning me into his grasp with a leather-gloved finger. 

"In blind panic, I did a couple of shimmies Beardsley and Roeder would have been proud of, and accelerated past him towards the centre circle. I was sure that when I turned around there he'd be, but my heart leapt for very different reasons when I heard a huge roar of appreciation from the Gallowgate, arms raised in a round of applause. Cue a mass invasion, and safety in numbers! 

"The second time was when some fool snapped the crossbar at the Gallowgate end. Finding myself on the pitch again, I thought I'd have a bit of the wood as a memento, so ran over to yank a chunk off. It took quite a bit of effort, but all my huffing and puffing was rewarded with a geet big splinter of it. 

"Still bent over with my arse in the air, I was both congratulating myself and wondering why not many others had joined in my quest, when I glanced over my shoulder and saw the aforementioned copper's bigger mate about to hit me with a rugby tackle so hard it would have put my head through the scoreboard. 

"I evaded his dive with nanoseconds to spare, and again hoofed it to the centre circle to get lost, safely, in the crowd there. Eeeh, happy days...."

 
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Occasion: West Ham (a) 1981  
Location:  The Boleyn Ground 
Guilty Party:  KL

"West Ham fans singing 'there's only one way out' which there was in the
old days. Few of their number in our end, fighting breaks out, I feel a kick on the back of my leg, turn round and kick out without looking. Huge West Ham fan about to batter me, suddenly feel one of my arms twisted behind my back......

"Arrested and charged by the Met. police.

"Two weeks later in Stratford Magistrates Court, fined 75 for threatening behavior. To the annoyance of the magistrate, I took out my chequebook a'la Sting in Quadrophenia and offered to pay it there and then. 

"The Magistrate said that I was in contempt of court and if I said one more word, she would double the fine!"

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Occasion: Southampton (a) Jan 1997
Location: The Dell
Guilty Party: SK

"The memories are a little blurred due to a local hostelry selling off something called Snowman's Revenge at 80p a pint but we were cruising to victory 2-0 up early in the 2nd half, Dalglish's first proper game in charge and I was in the front row of the downstairs section.

"A chant of 'Kenny Dalglish Black and White Army' started up and had been going for a couple of minutes when I reeled in the big fluffy Match of the Day microphone from the halfway line by it's wire, and held it up for rows two and three so that Des Lynam and Co. could hear good old Geordie sing-song.

"Unfortunately I was spotted by a jobsworth steward who reported me to the polis and I was promptly banged up till 5pm in the cells round the back of the ground.

"It goes without saying that they scored two late ones to snatch a draw."

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Continued

Biffa


Page last updated 24 June, 2009