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Rotherham (A) 1982

"Me and me mate Daft Eric paid to go into the stand behind the goal and managed to sneak into some empty seats down the side at half-time. After the messiah (Keegan) scored his fourth to put us 4-0 up, I says to Eric if he scores a fifth we'll get on the pitch knowing full well this was being shown on Match of the Day. 

"Of course Kevin Todd blazes away down the left wing, lulls the keeper into thinking he's going to cross and cheekily places the ball just under the bar. ( I think that's the way Todd describes it still ) Nevertheless me and Eric are straight over the advertising hoardings onto the pitch to be captured for immortality by the camera. 

"We also heard Keegan remark to Todd that he was a 'lucky :tw*t

"Inevitably we were nabbed, and ended up being taken to some hut and having photos taken, then let out just as the final whistle went."

Chelsea (A) 1996 - F.A.Cup

"Sir Les equalised deep into injury time and came towards the Toon fans to celebrate. Being in the second row I saw the opportunity to repeat the heroics of 1982 as above. 

"Howver, not being as agile as I was, could only get part way over the advertising hoardings before being intercepted by two of the morons who Chelsea seem to happily employ as stewards. 

"I was carried out of the ground horizontally, by these two primates who were goading me, hoping I'll react so they could give be a good 'shoeing'. They carried me all the way to the exit gates where I was told where to get off. 

"I Don't think they realized they did me a favour as it would have taken me ages to get out the normal exit and all I missed was the restart as the final whistle went straight away....."

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Occasion: Arsenal (h) mid 1980's
Location:  St. James' Park 
Guilty Party: LB

"making our way to the top west corner of the Gallowgate end, my mate produced a 'screaming rocket' from beneath his coat. At this time, various fireworks were launching themselves towards the pitch and we thought it would be fun to join in (being about 14 at the time.) 

I promptly rolled up my programme and placed the said firework inside the tube, pointing it in the general direction of the pitch. My mate sparked a match from his box and put the flame to the rocket only to see it fly out and skim between the heads of two blokes in donkey jackets who turned and said something about us being a couple of '**cking knackers'. 

"About ten minutes later there was a tap on my shoulder and I turned to see a copper who asks if I had just set a firework off. 'Not me' I replied, before he muttered something on his walkie-talkie before proceeding to drag my mate out. 

"He ended up getting arrested and taken down the nick, where he witnessed our actions on video after saying that he had not done anything. The video showed the rocket landing on a blokes head further down the Gallowgate, which was promptly extinguished by the frenzied slapping of his mates.... 

"I was also called into the station a couple of days later about the incident, we were both given warnings and told not to enter SJP again after the bloke dropped the charges."

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Occasion: Various 
Location:  Villa Park / Burnden Park
Guilty Party:  PL

"Call the ref an effing barsteward from all of 90 yards away. Cue ejection downstairs, details taken, then ejection from the ground along with about 5 other master criminals. A meat wagon proceeds to follow us up the road at the back of the main stand and watch us as we turn right to the Holte End turnstiles and go back in. 

"One of 'Deadly Doug's' fund raising ideas no doubt"

"So drunk the 3 of us could barely stand. Thought it would be a good idea to go in their 'end' but find out on entrance (1st time there') that their 'end' is actually on the side and we were stuck on our own surrounded by half empty seats. 

"Over the fence we go and make our way down the side terracing towards the toon support. We were almost there when the Bolton decide to sing so we respond and get buried in an avalanche of fists, boots, bad breath and dandruff. Just as I emerge and decide to pick on one of them someone drags me backwards - one of Greater Manchester's finest.

"It was then we played our trump card my mate was a serving member of the Met and had his warrant card on him so we manage to get chucked in with our own while the Bolton herberts got ejected - justice prevailed."

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Occasion: Manchester United (h)
Location: St.James' Park
Guilty Party: GLS

"In the days of Longbenton Mental Clockwork crew, I was about 8/9 years old and we played Man Utd at home. Law and Charlton were in their team, Best was injured, or pissed and my dad had got tickets for his bairn (me), by blagging them off the office season ticket...he told the administrator that I had 'black and white eyeballs'.

"Earlier in the summer we had been staying at a caravan site near Bamburgh, and I had made a great friend for the week called Philip...he was older than me and told me he went in the Leazes end on his own...loved Hawkwind's "Silver Machine" and lived in Long Benton. 

"I thought he was v-cool...

"Anyway, we lost contact after the holiday...forgetting to swap phone no's. I was desperate to join his cool world, and even persuaded my Dad to drive me up to Long Benton to see if he was hanging out on the street. No joy.

"However the game came...very excited...Bovril, Mars Bar and a seat on the paddock barrier...washed down with Pop Robson. I think we got beat 2-0, it wasn't a bad game...best bit was half-time, as across the field from the Leazes end came my new buddy Phil...waving. 

"Pitch invasions were d'riguer back then, but one man jobs... I'm not so sure....Anyway the resident 'peanut target' polis wrestled him to the ground...and escorted him down the tunnel never to be seen again.

"Had he seen me, or was he just Mental Benton? I'll never know...or maybe he was in a Silver Machine...."

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Occasion: Unidentified home game
Location: St. James' Park
Guilty Party: AH

"Back in the mid eighties, if it snowed before a game the terracing had to be cleared. They used to pile the snow up at the bottom of the terracing. 

"We used to get to the ground early to get a decent view, about half one, either in the old A wing or the Gallowgate floodlight. One day there had been plenty of snow, and we would exchange "gifts" with others in the floodlight or scoreboard. There would be folk old enough to know better bunging snowballs at each other, because there wasn't much else to do at half one. 

"Occasionally a Polis would wander around the cinder track, and of course a very good target they would make. Anyway, while this particular Polis's back was turned, I hit him a screamer on the back of the nut. 

"He turned and stalked towards the terracing and picked out.... two ten year old kids miles away from us having their own private war - they couldnt even have reached him with their efforts. 

"They were both duly pinched and ejected by the scruff of the neck. I felt a bit guilty but obviously couldn't own up.....I might have missed something (although not the copper.)"

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Occasion:  Port Vale (h) 1991
Location: St. James' Park
Guilty Party:  AT

Standing in the Leazes end next to the small band of away fans, Newcastle scored early on and me and my two mates did the usual jump up and down celebration. A copper grabbed hold of my arm and pushed it up my back then marched me off, snarling abuse at me calling me a 'reckless little tosser'. Inside a pre-fab building near the Millburn stand I was forced to turn out my pockets then roughly searched by another copper, 

"I was given a black- board with a criminal number on photographed then pushed out of the big exit gate. Not knowing what to do, I walked down to Eldon square and gave a tramp a pound! 

"Then thinking 'sod this', I ran back to the ground, and paid another £2 to stand in the corner. Newcastle scored again in the second half and it must be the only game were I haven't celebrated a goal as I felt every copper was watching me. 
The attendance that day was 14,602 - it's wrong because I was there twice. My mates laughed at me all the way home..."

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Occasion: Mackems (a) Dec 1967
Location: Roker Park
Guilty Party: BI / LB

"A load of us from school went together (14/15 year olds) all the Mags were in the right hand side of the Fulwell End. As kick off got closer we were getting crushed up against the railings round the stupid paddock in the middle (some kind of season ticket thing I think). Me & a mate managed to get under the railings with a view to going out the gate & getting a better place back with the Mags. 

"Of course, the jobsworth steward grassed us up to the coppers & we got taken down to the cinder track to be escorted out. We walked round to the tunnel & the copper pointed us that way but for some reason my mate thought he'd pointed to the dugout so he climbs in, I nearly wet myself laughing, but the miserable get said something along the lines of not to make it worse for myself. 

"We ended up in a scabby little room under the stand, where they kept us till the match started, then threw us out. We legged it down to the Roker end & got in (no colours) but we couldn't help ourselves especially when the 3rd equaliser went in." 

(the game ended 3-3 with John McNamee hanging from the crossbar after scoring.)

"Thinking back, I don't know how we didn't get chinned but I'll never forget Laurie Brown climbing into the dugout...."


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Occasion: Boys match
Location: St.James' Park
Guilty Party: JD

"I can't remember exactly when, but it must have been 1969/70 because I was still at primary school. It was Newcastle schoolboys versus Sunderland ( I think) schoolboys, an evening match."

"To overcome the stifling boredom of the event, several dozen of us decided it would be fun to run from the Leazes end to the old stand. After several successful sorties back and forth, I was eventually caught by a steward whose arms-and-legs-akimbo-in-order-to-catch-the-hooligan posture momentarily made me laugh so much I ran straight into his arms.

"The resulting trip down the tunnel, affording views into white-tiled changing areas and panelled corridors was far more thrilling than the match. I was deposited in an office and harangued by a man behind a huge desk. I remember the conversation very clearly. Probably because I was sh*tting myself.

"What's your name?"

I told him.

"What School do you go to?"

"St. Teresa's"

" A Catholic, eh? Call yourself a Catholic, you should know better than to behave like that." (He clearly wasn't keeping up-to-date with events in Northern Ireland)

"Er, sorry"

"You're a disgrace to your school and your religion; you'll end up nowhere behaving like that. Right, take him to the car park and throw him out. And if the police are there, they can have him."

"Funnily enough, they weren't; I can remember wandering around, ending up in the Civic Centre grounds, trying desperately to count the cheers, so that when I returned home I would know the score. I managed to avoid talk about the match until statistics were furnished by less catchable friends in the morning.

"Whether throwing nine-year-old children onto the streets of central Newcastle on dark nights was official club policy at the time escapes my memory, but what would happen these days: a) to the child; b) to an organisation whose idea of nipping "hooliganism" in the bud was to give the perpetrator a once-in-a-lifetime sight of the holy of holies, then jeopardize his chances of living to watch any more football anyway?

"My crime was to be bored by a Sunderland match.....

"PS The bloke was right, I joined the dregs of society: I'm a University lecturer."

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Occasion: Home game
Location:  St.James' Park
Guilty Party: McB

"I used to go to the match with a bunch of nutters, some very big, some more normal sized, but no less nutterish. PM, average size, was bet that he couldn't head butt the advertising hoardings that went around the top of the old Gallowgate. These were 1/4 inch thick steel things. To prove his 16 year old man hood PM pull himself up and head butted the board. 

"Huge cheers from all around, small pink circle on his forehead, happy smile on his lips. 'Bet you can't do it again'. 

"And so it began. 

"About two minutes later the crowd were cheering, stunned at his stamina, and also at the blood trickling down his face from the open wounds he was now banging against the metal. The biggest of us, an amiable giant, was in hysterics. 

"Suddenly we were aware that the crowd being animated had attracted the coppers. They obviously couldn't see clearly what was going on but they knew it wasn't good and proper. By the time they reached us all their was was a trail of blood as PM had disappeared into the crowd. 

"The coppers decided it must have been the amiable giant and grabbed him. PM was now petrified as his biggest pal was removed shouting that he would kill him when he found him...."

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Occasion: Charlton (a) early 1990's
Location: Upton Park (their temporary home) 
Guilty Party: SY

"This was the first time I had gone to an away game alone, having always gone with my dad before. West Ham were less than friendly towards us at the time, so it was an adventure getting to the ground. Although my dad's family are from Newcastle, I've always lived in London, so tried hard not to give myself away with 'me browd acksent' as I passed through the airport-style metal detector that the stewards were herding the real away fans through.

`"Feeling confident once inside, I started to join in the singing etc after about fifteen minutes. Despite my obvious allegiance to the black and white cause, a rather tired and emotional Geordie cottoned on that I was from south of Watford, shouted "you soft southern shite", unzipped his fly and proceeded to share the results of a hard morning's drinking with me. 

"I jumped and jogged out of the way the best I could (not too easy in an over-full away end) but unfortunately this Niagra of recycled beer managed to pool at the feet of a steward in front of me. This charming local swiftly turned around, took my evasive action to be an attempt to put my tackle away, bellowed 'You fu**ing Northern c**t!' and out I went. 

"So, roundly abused twice, didn't get to see the game and the radio had gone from my car when I got back to it. What it is to be a football fan!"

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