5 mins: Colin Cooper crossed from the right and ghosting in at far post was the jaw-jutting figure of Juninho, who headed home from a couple of yards out with no defender interfering The inevitable chorus of Blur's "Song 2" rang out across the ground 0-1.

10 mins: Kieron Dyer was allowed to run at the home defence again and his cross from the right was smashed home by Gary Speed from the edge of the box. 1-1

18 mins: Nolberto Solano's corner was flicked on by Alan Shearer and Alessandro Pistone finished well from 12 yards after taking a touch to control the ball. 2-1

Half time: smoggies 1 Magpies 2

78 mins: Subsitute Robbie Stockdale crossed from the right for Festa to dive and head home. As at Wembley, a clear foul against Dyer earlier in the move was ignored by the referee and inevitably Given picked the ball out of the net within seconds.The once-famous DJ "me" Mark Page hilariously played the duddle a dum bit of the Adams Family theme tune. This passes for humour here 2-2. 

Full time: smoggies 2 Magpies 2

Bobby Robson:

To follow

Bryan Robson:

To follow 

Perhaps inspired by pre-game tributes to recently-departed golden boy Wilf Mannion, this game invoke memories of a long-departed age of quicksilver attacking and wafer-thin defensive cover. 

One fan commented that it was like "an under 11's match" and certainly at one stage a scoreline of ten all looked a distinct possibility. Certainly wor Bobby paced the touchline, gesticulating and bellowing with all the fervour of an overly proud father bullying his young pretenders.

Our four previous league games at the House of Smog had been close affairs, but this one was a real Siamese twins job. From the off, both sides exploited great gaps in the other's back line. Shearer, Dyer and Solano shimmied down the right and similarly Boro poured forward. 

Several chaotic minutes were followed by the opener for the smoggies, but at once United were off upfield again, both sides slugging it out like prizefighters. The Speed equaliser and then a Pistone effort to put our noses in front could have been added to by Dyer or cancelled out by Campbell. 

The former was another past-the-post effort by the youngster, who seemed more in tune with his colleagues than of late, while the latter required the timely intervention of Barton on the line to prevent a further score.

The interval arrived with both sets of fans applauding the dazed players off the field, United deservedly in front, but 'Boro showing signs of a second-half revival, which duly arrived. 

In stark contrast to their dismal showing at Gallowgate and in recent televised home humiliations, Bryan Robson's team displayed ample amounts of commitment and passion, enough even to rouse the home support from their presumably chemically-induced torpor. That is apart from the moronic clapping that accompanied the arrival of the teams on to the pitch. 

Being pedantic for a second, the referee failed to send both teams out together as laid down by the FA and instead the old-fashioned custom of the away team coming out first was returned to. He'll be marked down for that, will Mike Riley. And for being bloody rotten.

As an attacking force, the teams switched positions, with United relying more on the breakaway strategy that the home side had resorted to in the early stages. This plan was aided in part by the rare appearance of Gary Speed in an attacking role, but negated by the miserable Mike Riley and his refusal to penalise any challenge, lunge or push on the England Captain. 

Add to this a linesman who refused to acknowledge the presence of defenders between attacker and goal when raising his flag, and it rapidly became evident that an equaliser was on the way.

Perhaps fortunately it came with 11 minutes remaining, rather than our usual final minute sucker punch, and for the first time in the game, both sides appeared satisfied with parity, and the full throttle approach was calmed to a mere simmering for the latter stages. 

This was partly due to some heat-reducing replacements from both sides, and also due to the exhaustion factor that saw Dyer limp off the pitch in the manner of a veteran, and both sets of players meander towards the tunnel after full time as if they'd just finished the London Marathon.

This being Boro, the Toon fans made reference in song to the usual subjects that accompany Tyne-Tees derbies, namely child abuse and pollution. While we of course couldn't condone this disgraceful and blatantly unfair behaviour, we couldn't help but notice one or two odd things:

1. Once again the appearance of children on the pitch, caked in make-up and gyrating to records in an upfront manner. This was all warmly received by the home fans, all totally innocent of course...... but I felt vaguely sickened by what looked to be truly grotesque spectacle. 

Something has gone terribly wrong in Society, but this is no longer entertainment in its pure form - rather some bizarre socially-accepted (on Teesside at least) form of titillation.

2. The lowest common denominator music played - most "tunes" lacking any words at all and those that did containing suggestive lyrics i.e. "give it to me baby".

3. The appearance of a condom machine in the away netties dispensing Boro condoms - insert own joke here. eg: "come from behind" etc.

4. The acrid throat-burning sensation encountered walking back from the ground after the match. Just what the hell DO they get up to in the chemical establishments of this part of the world ?

5. Related to 4, it must be recorded that a number of away supporters took precautions of their own to negate the effects of nasty noxious niffs, by the simple expedient of wearing industrial mouth masks. Perhaps the club shop could sell them, next to the replica shirts with two neck holes.....

As we mentioned in our preview, the Riverside PA system continues to broadcast at such a level as to cause ears to bleed, and the stewards continue to be handpicked for their stupidity. The space allotted underneath the stand is also totally unsuitable for the numbers of fans wishing to use the facilities. And as for getting out of the rear 50 rows of seats (even on to the pitch) forget it.

This ground should not be licensed for football, pure and simple. And it's less than five years old.

Biffa