20 mins LuaLua 1-0

21 mins Speed shot 2-0

28 mins LuaLua 3-0

34 mins LuaLua 4-0

38 mins Shearer 5-0 

Half time: UDI 0 NUFC 5

Full time: UDI 0 NUFC 5

tbc

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Newcastle made it four games and 22 goals without conceding after another skilful deconstruction of minor league Dutch opposition on Thursday night.

There had been doubt over whether this game would take place at all, with the apparently imminent demise of Prince Claus of the Netherlands set to prompt a period of national mourning and cause all sport to be postponed.

However Claus hung on and the pre-match discussion among travellers was whether sombre Dutch music was actually techno played at half speed....

Reaching this small town in the Noord Brabant province in the south of the country was a bit of a pig; with no rail link and a half-finished motorway. Local taxi drivers reported unexpected trade from English speaking visitors.

The home side were clad in a strip seemingly inspired by that worn by Michael Caine et al in "Escape to Victory" but had no miraculous response to Lomana LuaLua's treble and an absolute beauty from Gary Speed.

The pick of LuaLua's treble was a flowing move from one end of the field to the other involving Bernard and Solano, before Lua lobbing the advancing keeper. In keeping with his promise, there were no celebratory acrobatics.

Debutant Bramble appears to have the largest posterior of any Toon player since Mick Quinn, while Carl Cort was deemed fit enough to make his first appearance of the tour. Unsurprisingly, neither player featured heavily.

Despite telling journalists in the previous game that he never expected it to happen again, Dyer once again wore the captain's armband when he made his entrance for the second half.

As on Wednesday, the second half was a non-event; the only real incident of note on the field a middle-aged streaker who left his manky socks on....

Alan Shearer passed the time by signing autographs on various items and body parts, including a Blackburn shirt and a pair of clogs.

One or two Newcastle players sniffed out the presence of a free bar post-match, indulging in a quick lager or two in a manner reminiscent of Johnny Mills in the closing scenes of "Ice Cold in Alex."

PS: The United players, staff and fans owe each of our four hosts a vote of thanks for their hospitality and general organisation throughout the trip.

Given that all of our opponents were from the amateur ranks, their facilities put some professional clubs in the UK to shame, and the volunteers who manned bars, turnstiles and fulfilled other duties seemed genuinely honoured to have the lads playing on their own stretches of turf.

Being almost as celebrated in the Netherlands as he is here, Sir Bobby was called upon to present various gifts, meet many fans and media types, sign innumerable autographs and was the perfect guest throughout.

However his players and backroom staff were also in equally good humour at the games and posed for photos etc. doing a great PR job for the club.

All of this of course contrasts sharply with an attitude within certain areas of St. James' Park, where requests for match information were met with curt refusals, and a siege mentality prevailed.

Unbelievably at least one of our hosts was provided with the barest of team information, United not even being able to confirm which players were in the tour party in time for the information to appear in a match programme.

Thankfully such paranoid nonsense on Tyneside bore no resemblance to the enlightened approach exhibited in the Netherlands, to the benefit of all concerned.

Biffa