Recent pre-seasons have taken the hard-core toon-watching traveller to a variety of European locations, with warm-up games in the Netherlands, Belgium, Germany and Spain plus other shorter trips within the British Isles on the itinerary.

However, it was back in 2000 that we last jetted off for a long haul venture, to the USA for a two-match tour. And it was even further back, in 1996 that we undertook what was acknowledged to be a tour too far, visiting – Thailand, Singapore and Japan.

Since then the Premiership has expanded its sphere of influence even further and penetrated new markets, notably in South-East Asia. The perceived importance of this region now dictates noon kick-offs for some Premiership matches, a convenient evening game time in the likes of Malaysia and also the transfer of David Beckham to Real Madrid, the Spanish side blatantly trying to grab a slice of the cake for La Liga.

With Newcastle themselves looking to establish a presence in the area through a link-up with Chinese outfit Dalian Shide and co-founding a new team in the shape of Hong Kong United, it was almost inevitable that our players and some supporters would find themselves confronted with a thirteen hour flight to cover the 11,000km, then unfamiliarly humid conditions upon arrival in Kuala Lumpur.

Some things were immediately familiar though, from the likes of Ray Wilkins, Richard Keys and Martin Tyler wandering around, to the flip-flop-clad Chelsea and Birmingham City squads plodding through the lobby of the palatial Premiership base, the "The Palace of the Golden Horses" hotel (pictured)

The Malaysian hosts did their best to welcome their illustrious guests with a banquet, and while the more experienced members of the squads such as England's former number nine circulated and pressed the flesh, others looked miserable at being in what for some was uncharted territory, both socially and geographically.

On the training ground though there was little in the way of a welcome – while the sun wasn't beating down, the muggy conditions ensured that regular fluid intake (of a type not found on the quayside) was required to avoid dehydration and the medical staff were kept busy in weighing and assessing the conditions of the team as they built up their fitness in arduous conditions. Seldom was the expression "get warmed up" less accurate.

The usual round of press conferences for the assembled media brought a welter of cliché-ridden platitudes, but the conviction that all three English sides were here to win the first ever Asia Cup competition.

While Birmingham owner / porn baron David Gold gushed into anything vaguely resembling a microphone about how wonderful it was for his side to be here, contributions from messrs Robson and Ranieri were rather more predictable (we'll just avoid altogether the tedious chumminess of Steve Bruce.)   Sir Bobby almost harked back to the Colonial days of this part of the old Empire, extolling the virtues of honest toil, while his captain looked on.

The Golden Horses await an offer from Chelski

And when asked about his plans to cope with the so-called bad boys of his squad, he simply replied "they are going to move in with me."  

The ever-entertaining Claudio on the other hand , who had named only nineteen of his allowable twenty-two man squad in the expectation of receiving some shiny new expensive recruits courtesy of that Russian mafia money, teased journalists about signing Raul.

This phoney war continued for a couple of days ahead of the opening game while the players became acclimatised to the conditions, giving media and fans the chance to explore the unfamiliar environment.

For some that extended to a seat by the hotel swimming pool and reliance on fish and chips from the room service menu, while for others the nocturnal delights of street markets and bars such as the "Beach Club" proved to be an irresistible lure.

Despite the often-heavy traffic at all hours of the day and night, getting around Kuala Lumpur was easy, either by the air-conditioned and spotless efficiency of the Malaysian equivalent of the metro (average journey price 80p) or one of the countless red and white minicabs.

These varied wildly in the ability of the driver and his knowledge of KL, price, odour and "extras" on offer: DVDs, massage or the accompaniment of any combination of ladies or gentlemen – but all "very clean". Of course.

There's some old cobblers about learning about wherever you travel to by talking to taxi drivers, and in the case of KL one could certainly pick up some interesting tips….

Firstly, it seems to be a national characteristic of the Malaysians not to admit the gaps in their knowledge – something worth bearing in mind when it becomes evident your driver hasn't got the foggiest of where you want to get to. However, on the other side of that coin, it does get you to see some parts of the city not listed in the Rough Guide…..

What does come across loud and clear though from both the taxi-driving populace and virtually everyone else one encountered (particularly barmen) was the national obsession with football in general and the English Premiership in particular.

That also manifested itself in the staggering variety of football shirts to be spotted being worn the streets and displayed on hawker's stalls throughout KL.

Personal favourites included vivid pink shirts bearing the Arsenal or Manchester United club badges, obviously aiming at a previously untapped market, unless you count those vaguely dodgy topless Beckham photos from a couple of years ago.

More esoterically, fans of Blackburn, Stoke, Sheffield Wednesday and even Exeter City will be doubtless heartened to know their clubs are represented in KL, albeit in the form of some oft-washed tatty nylon piece of knock-off gear.

The epicentre of snide football shirts, and watches, clothes, shoes, DVDs and almost anything else what could be bootlegged proved to be the bustling Chinatown district of KL (pictured).

Trips down there confirmed the lure of dodgy Rolex watches, Prada handbags and hooly favourites such as Burberry and at various times players of all three English sides plus assorted journalists, managers and coaching staff could be seen jostling at the stalls for bargains, haggling down to the last Ringgit (16p)

Unfortunately the Premiership powers-that-be indulged their free marketeering spirit (or should that be racketeering) by inflating the ticket prices to such an extent that the average Malaysian football fan was priced out of the Bukit Jalil stadium and forced to watch the event on TV.

Over the whole four days, less than 100,000 tickets were sold for an event with a potential audience capacity of over 250,000 and suspicions were aroused when an initial 41,000 attendance for the final was suddenly revised to 47,500 which neatly increased that figure to the combined total of the other three games.

Laughable last-minute initiatives like offering groups of over twenty fans five free tickets if they all turned up in patriotic-coloured clothing didn't disguise the greed of the organisers, as did the unadvertised free tickets for children ploy for the final.

Post-tournament newspaper articles lamented this pricing policy and suggested that the relatively low turnout would cost Malaysia the chance of hosting this competition in the future, with the likes of Singapore and Hong Kong seen as better marketing opportunities.

All in all for the traveller this was a thoroughly worthwhile trip despite our ballsing up the final and returning trophyless (not that we've ever used that as a yardstick, thankfully.)  KL is an amazing city and it's inhabitants patriotic without being threatening and conscious of the importance of tourism to their economy.
	The Petronas Towers - a bit bigger than the Byker Wall...

More or less anything you could want in the way of entertainment or cuisine is available somewhere in the place, but without it being particularly tacky or dangerous. That Tiger beer is canny as well.

From a footballing perspective it remains to be seen whether the exertions of travelling to and playing in Asia have a detrimental effect on the team during the season, but it's hard to see exactly where the Premiership moguls hope to make their millions.

With poor gate receipts due to their greed, an absence of satellite dishes on suburban housing and the apparent impossibility of buying non-bootlegged merchandise and shirts in KL, the marketing men still have a lot more to do than merely entice Alan Shearer and his colleagues to the region.

Biffa

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