Referee:  Uriah Rennie. Worst display since Trelford Mills. Don't see how he can ever officiate at St. James' again

Goals: Joachim 75 mins

Waffle:

The role of AVFC in this game merits some discussion. A new tactic was adopted by the claret and blues: when the opposition threaten, get a player to collapse holding his head. As the ball nears the goal send on the trainer without permission and then shout "head injury" at the ref. Prolong the treatment for maximum disruption and then persuade the gullible official that the free-kick is yours or sportingly belt the drop-ball at the opposition's keeper or hoof it into touch. Repeat four or five times.

The touchline antics of Gregory and his minions were appalling and our favourite lard-arsed fourth official (Jeff Winter) did little to dissuade the Villa manager from becoming his team's 12th man as he continually entered the field of play. If you count Rennie and the trainer, Villa were often able to boast 14 on the pitch. Colin Calderwood deserves specific mention for his feigning injury and persistent provocation of Shearer. How this poor imitation of a defender managed to avoid a booking or mild dismembering from crowd or player remains a mystery. Hopefully he will get his comeuppance one day....

In conclusion:

1. Basketball makes a return to Tyneside - physical contact has seemingly been outlawed by FIFA during the summer.
2. Uriah Rennie must be removed from the Premiership ref list immediately. He's a nice bloke apparently.... 

(Exit Mackenzie in a fit of rage, off to harangue the good citizens of Prague.)

Right, second go from "the other one" (Biffa):

Not much else to say about Rennie or the thuggish Villans led by the evil dictator Gregory, prancing around in his "technical area" like Martina Navratilova after a double dose of steroids, except to say the cause of race relations on Tyneside couldn't have been harmed further if the Whitley Bay White Knights were giving away used tenners outside Eldon Square. 

Mention must be made of the demise of "Local Hero" as the walk-on tune. Instead we were treated with a medley of the Chemical Brothers followed by Fatboy Slim with "Right Here Right Now", a tune of sufficient magnitude to blow a couple of speakers in the Leazes end....

As for the team, I hope that Rudi still had enough fire in him to treat the players in the dressing room to a reprise of the outburst directed at Rennie. Although it is tempting to side with the manager and cheer him on as he sidestepped Winter and confronted Rennie, it isn't the most dignified response, given the highly-charged atmosphere. 

United can probably count themselves lucky that a slightly less demonstrative element now inhabit the seats round the pitch, otherwise Rudi's example could easily have spurred a pitch invasion with severe ramifications. However the antics of the referee shouldn't hide the fact this was a miserable encounter played out between two sides who looked as if they were ending a long season, not starting one. 

While injuries limited Rudi's options, I desperately hope that Robert Lee was unfit and not just banished to the sidelines, as his presence would surely have stabilised the midfield and allowed us to play without Serrant, who just isn't up to the job. Of those who played, Dumas did reasonably well in a more advanced role than expected, while Dyer showed rare touches of pace and vision after his introduction. 

Rather than pore over the details ad infinitum, there was so much wrong with the performance that it has to be written off as a false start. Under those circumstances it is unwise to condemn players, but certainly the likes of Ketsbaia, Solano and Maric have it all to do in the coming weeks if they aren't to be replaced to pacify a home crowd who are easily frustrated.

Biffa