A long time ago, in a land far
away.....no hang on, that's the Clangers.
A couple of years ago, when this page
was just beginning to find a place in the hearts of a grateful nation (and
it's authors were still replete with full heads of hair), a casual remark
led to the christening of this man:
||That's right, the face
that launched a thousand quips, our very own Councillor Cox.
A shamelessly-lifted comic creation of Darlington's Top light
entertainer Jim Moir (aka Vic Reeves), it just seemed so right
for our purpose, to take the proverbial out of the official Newcastle
United web page, now known to all and sundry as nufc.cock
Although .cock has always been done on a "no names" basis
since the departure of former editor
Jon Driscoll, a chance comment by a probably inebriated gentleman of
the press confirmed that the identity of the cockmeister himself was a
certain media mover and shaker by the name of Cox....
Thus armed with this shard of knowledge, we
found the picture above and added the character to our already-existing
catalogue of .cock information disasters that appeared on NUFC.com.
Hey presto! Councillor Cox's Cockup Corner was born, and begat the
annual end of year Coxy Awards.
Already overly-familiar with the shortcomings of .cock and their stream of
inaccuracies, it suddenly became blindingly obvious why so much absolute
cack was appearing on the site - wor Coxy in reality was a gas-mask wielding
disciple of the sinister cult of Wilf Mannion.
And when unsuspecting toon fans logged on
to .cock one morning to find it replaced by the Boro home page the cat was
well and truly out of the sack - not only did we have a double agent on our
hands, but he was moonlighting...
Sadly Coxy has now left us for more
polluted pastures, and is now the minister for misinformation at the
smellnet Riverside Stadium. However his man at C & A (that's Christian
Aid) trend-setting fashion statements can still be glimpsed when the
smoggies are in toon, as he fashions his unreliable nuggets of nonsense for
the inbred wretches who live in the shadow of the transporter bridge.
Then, with a theatrical bow, he takes his leave and scurries off into the
Tyneside night, kipper tie and flares a-flapping in the breeze.
Since then, things have improved to a certain extent as .cock wisely opted
to explore the novel approach of employing a toon fan to contribute reports
and stories. However, the negative influence of the .cock paymasters in
London ensures that a steady stream of nonsense still appears, garbled from
it's original meaning into some hybrid cockney cobblers. Two steps forward,
one step back.....
Anyway, back to the story, and as more and more folks started seeing the
Cockup corner, so they picked out other examples of coxy's elsewhere in the
world of TV, newspapers, teletext, footie programmes and indeed anywhere
that took the name of Newcastle United in vain.
The result is that we now regularly feature daft nonsense from the gutter of
sports journalism on NUFC.com - while the godfather of gobblegook,
old Coxy himself, looks down benignly....
From time to time we get emails
from people who rightly pick up errors we've made on NUFC.com, and
then accuse us of dwelling in glass houses by ripping the urine out of other
people. If we can be bothered, we often write back and try and explain
ourselves, and it normally goes a little something like this:
We are two 30-something toon fans who put together and keep going a
website about one particular club. We both have full-time "proper"
jobs and at least a semblance of a life away from football, meaning that we
are often writing and updating when normal folk are fast asleep as well as
"just finishing off that important document" at work, when in
reality we're updating the reserve league table. Or summat like that.
Yes we make mistakes, we foul things up on a daily basis, we get fed
false stories. But we'll put things right as soon as we humanly can,
and have stuck ourselves in Coxy's corner when we've really burnt the
We don't claim to know about all facets of football so we don't write about
them - you want critiques of Beckham's England captaincy or why Peter Taylor
made such an arse of the Leicester job - go somewhere else. You want
the world through toon eyes - stop here.
But what really p****s us off is:
So-called professional media organisations employing full-time soccer
experts, who roll out rubbish by the yard, cluttering up an already
overcrowded marketplace with inaccurate stuff and nonsense. It's the work of
those people we're dedicated to highlighting - we don't normally
mention fanzines or other unofficial websites because we know only too well
the pressure they're under, but everyone else is fair game.
The next time you read some obviously incorrect crap about Newcastle in a
paper or a big website, remember someone was paid to write
Certain organisations claim to have special Newcastle correspondents, but
oddly enough they don't go to the games and some of the buggers don't
even support the toon.
Would you read the Delia Smith book of car maintenance? Why believe the
invented rubbish of people who shamelessly pilfer stories from sites such as
NUFC.com, making little or no attempt to check their validity, and
just publish it as gospel. Half-baked theories and gossip from the back bar
of a boozer presented as journalistic fact? Now that is extracting the
Of course you can't please everyone, and there will always be a certain
percentage of people not satisfied by what we write. All we can do is
apologise for not being perfect and respectfully suggest you redirect your
browser elsewhere. Or unplug your pc.
PS - All the above is just presented on a general passing-on of
knowledge basis, a bit like NUFC.com really. We aren't looking to
replace people in the "proper" jobs at .cock or anywhere -
believe us, none of it is motivated by jealousy of the so-called
Niall and Biffa, somewhere in England, 17th October 2001.